


We All Feel The Rain

by axumun



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Dark Adam, Light Adam, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-06
Updated: 2012-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-30 17:05:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/334050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axumun/pseuds/axumun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>When love hits you, Adam, it doesn't wrap you in silks and linens and warm, pretty things. If it does, it's to prepare you for your fucking burial. No, it smothers you. It suffocates you. And you always let it! You let it bleed you dry and then wonder what went wrong.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	We All Feel The Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the beautiful Better Than I Know Myself music video. This story switches points-of-veiw like woah. It starts out with Dark Adam, then Adam, then Light Adam, then Adam again, rinse and repeat.
> 
> Thanks as usual to Casey for being the best beta ever. <3

_That goddamned Light's got his music turned up full blast. I can hardly hear myself think. Fuck him. Fuck his music, fuck it all._

**~*~**

From the moment Adam opens his eyes, he's smiling uncontrollably, barely able to hold back his bubbly laughter by burying his face in his pillows. He hasn't felt this way in so long: giggly, warm, well-rested. He feels like writing and singing, dancing and laughing, and he _does_ laugh - stops holding it back - forgetting that the mostly-unfamiliar man sharing the bed with him is still fast asleep.

Sauli stirs awake at the pealing bells of Adam's laughter, and for a moment he simply stares, just the least bit tired and annoyed. But he can't stay that way for long

Adam pulls in a deep breath to regain control of himself. What's gotten into him, anyhow? What are the chances he's even going to see this guy again? He'll only scare Sauli away, only overwhelm him, and by then, it'll be too late to just turn around and walk away.

Or maybe it's too early to let such things cross his mind. They've only known each other's name's for a rough twelve hours or so. Adam leans back onto his pillow, reaching out to Sauli while he has the chance.

**~*~**

_He's gorgeous and sweet, refreshingly polite; a personality that, from what I can see, is a wildfire; he's brimming with energy and life. I can picture myself walking with him through LA, holding his hand and not giving a damn who sees or cares._

_I can picture him sleeping in my bed, - which by then would of course be ours. I can see us taking on the world, weaving seamlessly into each other's lives, breathing in each other's existence. I want him. By my side, spinning color into the lyrics I'm scribbling into the spare pages in my notebooks._

_Dark was being awfully quiet today so I checked up on him. He was huddled on his couch, curled up in a ball. hiding his face in all that makeup and leather._

_I never sleep like that. Why is he so upset? Why shy away from something - someone - like him? Like Sauli?_

**~*~**

The last month or so of the tour drags on. Eventually Adam figures out when he can sneak a quick call or text to Sauli without waking him up in the middle of the night. Time zones can be pretty unforgiving.

It seems the more he learns about Sauli, the farther he falls - but where is he falling?

A few weeks in, Adam finds himself hesitating to answer his phone, finds himself having doubts about working something out and making plans so he and Sauli could meet again, go do something and be out in the world.

Something in him keeps stopping him. Something inside shouts at him whenever Sauli's number flashes on the screen of Adam's phone. It tries to convince him that he shouldn't give a damn, that this is all for naught, that everything he's working for is a lie.

Adam doesn't listen.

**~*~**

_Bastard. He'll destroy me, destroy_ us _! Don't you realize what he's doing?_

_He's leading you on. They all do. Don't pretend I'm not telling the truth._

_When love hits you, Adam, it doesn't wrap you in silks and linens and warm, pretty things. If it does, it's to prepare you for your fucking burial. No, it smothers you. It suffocates you. And you always let it! You let it bleed you dry and then wonder what went wrong._

 

**~*~**

Asking Sauli to join him in Paris is Adam's way of taking that infamous leap of faith. Or maybe it's just his way of saying "fuck you" to all his insecurities. After all, what did they know about falling in...

Love? Oh.

The word rises to the surface of his thoughts and overtakes them sometime in the middle of the plane ride. It keeps talking, keeps showing him snapshots of what could be, and it just won't shut _up_.

He turns his headphones up as loud as possible to drown out the noise.

**~*~**

_Adam's birthday is kind of like a special occasion for Dark and I, too, though of course, there's nothing much we can do to celebrate._

_Dark's sitting in his little corner, biting his lip. He doesn't look angry today. He looks nervous. His usual "I-don't-give-a-fuck" mask is gone, and he looks like a child now, folding in on himself, his arms crossed tight, fingers tugging restlessly at the sleeves of his flowing coat._

_He should be happy today, at least crack a smile, open the blinds,_ something _._

_I blow on the glass between us and trace a smiley face in the resulting fog. Dark just flips me off._

**~*~**

It's late, much too late for Adam's mind to be racing along at a mile a minute. He should be sleeping. Sauli is. Why can't Adam?

But something keeps pricking at him, keeps making his eyes shoot open as if he were abruptly awakened from a deep nightmare. But this is no nightmare, not even close.

Adam inhales deeply - taking in the lingering scent of the ocean, the clean bedsheets, Sauli's familiar cologne - and shivers.

He's drunk on something. He asks himself just how many glasses of wine he's had tonight. But that doesn't feel right; this isn't the alcohol at all.

Adam's gaze falls upon Sauli's sleeping form, the planes of his face just visible in the pale moonlight. He feels a prickle behind his eyes as if tears were forming there, and sighs.

Maybe love is no longer a blurry memory, a jewel under glass that he could never touch. Maybe, now, it's a reality.

**~*~**

_It's sickening. Light's got fucking hearts in his eyes, prancing around like no one's there to see. Fuck. I was like that. I used to smile like that. I forget when. It's been a while._

_It looks like Sauli's becoming more and more permanent. Adam's not listening to me, no matter how much I warn him. Is he ignoring me? No, I think he knows exactly what he's getting into. What if he thinks he's ready for love again? 'Cuz I'm sure as hell not ready._

_And what's Light's secret, anyway? Why's he always so fucking happy?_

_We used to be together all the time, he and I. Now we just watch each other. Roll our eyes at each other. What the fuck happened?_

_Do I really want him to go away? Or do I just want his attention - their attention?_

**~ *~**

It's official. It feels official. Or he could be fooling himself again.

They're sharing a house and a bed, telling each other their opinions and their secrets, opening up to each other surely and beautifully, like perennial flowers awakening in time for spring.

It's comforting, but terrifying. Gratifying, but...That voice at the back of his mind doesn't go away. Sometimes, it whispers to him while they eat breakfast together. Other times, it points an accusatory finger at him just before they drift off to sleep.

Not that any of that matters.

**~*~**

_Dark's been pacing around his room a lot lately. I can hear him cursing under his breath. Right now he's staring longingly at his half-empty bottle of Jack._

_I hope that soon he'll be able to realize that whatever happens with Sauli, it's nothing to fear, nothing to mope around about. Is there anything in this world that can make him smile?_

_I just don't want Sauli to rush. I hope he sees all of Adam - the real Adam. If he can convince Dark that the world isn't ending, that'll be enough._

_And while I hope, Dark despairs._

**~*~**

"Come with me?" Adam asks, holding out his hand invitingly. His eyes are tinged with hope, but he makes sure Sauli knows that he has the option to say no.

Sauli seems to hesitate. He glares at all the cameras and deeply doesn't want to be pinned down by their scrutiny. But then he looks at Adam. A new courage fills his chest, and he takes Adam's hand.

"I got you," Adam murmurs every now and then, playfully nudging Sauli's arm when he sees those flashes of fear or uncertainty in his eyes.

**~*~**

_I guess that red carpet thing went better than I anticipated. Or maybe everything goes better than I anticipate._

_Something about Sauli has been slowly changing my mind about him. He seems like a nice guy. Light and I know Adam better than anyone, and we know firsthand that he's a fine judge of character. But these things can change so quickly. Love can change with the wind._

_But I think Light's better with that lovey-dovey stuff, as much as I hate to say it._

**~*~**

It rains in the middle of his show. Hard. Adam wonders idly if it's some kind of sign, if whoever's up there calling the shots is trying to get Adam to cut the gig short.

Fuck that. This is his life, his love. This is what he does. It'll take more than falling water to cut that short.

Sauli pulls him into a tight embrace when the concert ends. Even through the persistent rain, Adam can see tears forming in his eyes - happy tears, if his beaming smile is any confirmation.

"Oh, you sounded so beautiful, Adam, truly amazing, and - oh! You're so cold, my love, let's get you out of the rain."

Sauli'd been speaking a mile a minute but Adam still caught his words - _my love_. It's not all that new to them, but the declaration is still enough to make Adam's knees weak. He kisses all the nonsense words out of Sauli's mouth.

**~*~**

_The months have been passing quickly and comfortably. The album's coming along great. Both Dark and I have been inspiring a lot of it, but it's Sauli who's at the very center - as it should be. My love! His love...Our love...Is there a way to differentiate?_

 _

Could that be why Dark is so distant toward Sauli? We both get lonely, sure, but Dark has probably been waiting for someone like Sauli, anticipating him his whole life much more than I have. And now that he's come along, Dark wants Sauli all to himself.

I'm afraid Dark will start drinking again. That's all he did during the tour. Drink, drink, drink. It subdued him, but it never gave him the happiness he searched for.

_

**~*~**

It's their first anniversary, and it couldn't have arrived at a more inconvenient time.

Adam was on the other side of the world, making his dreams come alive, doing his best to awaken the very essence of his idol, while Sauli was at home...doing what? Has he gotten the gifts yet? Would they arrive at all? Adam sighs.

He sneaks a quick phone call to Sauli before he's due to perform, and their love pours out of them like a waterfall, every word hurried but meaningful.

When Adam says he has to hang up, Sauli thanks him for the gift.

Adam feels himself on the verge of breaking down, of losing control, all in the most wonderful, beautiful way. But he'll have to do that later. It's time to personify rock 'n roll.

**~*~**

_I've been smiling lately! Really smiling! Light's noticed, too. He gave me a thumb's up this morning._

_I'm not sure how the fuck to respond to something like that, but I'll never forget it._

_I'm not looking in the mirror so much lately. I don't feel like I need to convince myself that I look okay anymore. I'm kinda starting to feel beautiful all on my own. Or maybe it's all because of him. Of Sauli._

**~*~**

From the moment the new single is revealed to the world, the slow, gentle pace of Adam's life suddenly speeds up a hundred fold, and he feels himself tripping, searching for something to grab a hold of if he falls - something to take down with him.

Unfortunately, on one fateful night, that turns out to be Sauli.

They're back in Finland, and Adam lets Sauli just be truly _home_ again. Going out is kind of refreshing somehow. For a while, they have a great time, dancing and talking and drinking. Mostly drinking.

But something goes wrong. Adam sees something he doesn't like, and by the time he makes sense of it through his blurred vision and clouded thoughts, he's no longer in control.

**~*~**

_Dark seemed kind of happy for a while. That's all I ever hoped for him. He didn't ever scream or cry or break anything for those few days. He smiled a bit and started tapping his fingers along to imaginary beats, a lot like me!. I think once, he even washed off all his makeup._

_But things changed and something pissed him off again. He put a hole in the wall this morning, and now he's pacing around like before. That bottle of Jack is starting to look all the more tempting to him._

_But if he gives in, if he drinks, what about Adam...?_

**~*~**

His mind clears ever so slightly. Where the fuck is he? Where's Sauli? Oh, fuck. He doesn't want to see Sauli anyway.

Because he's mad, or because he doesn't want to face him?

Whatever happened was a mistake. He knows that, somewhere deep down. But he can't find it in him to care all that much.

**~*~**

_FUCK!_

_This must be what I get for having a few good days. I'm so fucking wasted. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm sober as can be and just out of my mind._

_My little room is really quite nice, but sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn._

_Burn..._

_The fire is inviting. I can relate to the little flame, in some fucked up way, and so I want to nurture it, let it grow. Consume._

_So I drop the lighter._

**~*~**

He's alone. At least he deeply hopes he's alone, because there's no fucking way he's going to face anybody now, let alone Sauli.

Sauli

Love. His love? Fat chance. Maybe he's just not ready. Maybe every triumph and trial they'd experienced together, every twist and turn along the way, really was for nothing.

Or...

**~*~**

_I can't breathe._

_What has he done? Why didn't I try to get through to him, console him, help him? Am I at fault now?_

_I see him watching. He seems triumphant. Is he proud? Was this his plan? To destroy us both, Adam and I?_

_He mulls over his reflection. I can't breathe._

**~*~**

Finally, someone comes for him - though Adam has to hold back from verbally pointing out that the someone isn't Sauli - and releases him. His head hurts like hell and his face feels frozen in a tired frown. His chest aches, his feet are heavy.

He still doesn't quite remember what happened, but he remembers enough that he feels utterly ashamed for what had occurred.

He needs to make this right. Can it even be made right?

He needs Sauli.

**~*~**

_I didn't come to terms with what I had done until I realized that I could hardly see Light through the smoke. Crouched against the glass, unmoving. Fuck. If he goes, Adam and I go down with him._

 _

I'm not about to let myself destroy everything either of us have ever known. So I break through the wall. I kick down the only thing that's been separating us for all this time.

_

_And my breath becomes his; I can feel him come alive again. It's just like before. I can touch him, speak to him, save him._

_I'm not alone. Now it's up to Adam._

**~*~**

"We are stronger than some drunken fight, Adam. This doesn't define us." Adam feels Sauli's lips on his own, feels a shiver of relief roll through his own body.

Adam bites his lip. When he meets Sauli's gaze, he feels something within him come together, and hope becomes something tangible for them, as easy and familiar to hold as each other's hands.

" _We_ can get over it, sure," Adam murmurs. "But the media - "

"I don't give a damn about the media right now," Sauli murmurs, placing a finger lightly against Adam's lips. "This is us. This is all that matters right now. Let's fix this first."

And in that moment something in Adam settles, synchs with the beat of his heart instead of the ups and downs of his emotions. He feels steadied. Grounded, ready. Whole.

*


End file.
